Miles Gloriosus, or The Braggart Captain
Act One, Scene One
Enter PYRGOPOLINICES[1] ARTOTROGUS, and Soldiers.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Take ye care that the lustre of my shield is more bright than the rays of the sun are wont to be at the time when the sky is clear; that when occasion comes, the battle being joined, ‘mid the fierce ranks right opposite it may dazzle the eyesight of the enemy. But, I wish to console this sabre of mine, that it may not lament nor be downcast in spirits, because I have thus long been wearing it keeping holiday, which so longs right dreadfully to make havoc of the enemy. But where is Artotrogus?
ARTOTROGUS
Here he is; he stands close by the hero, valiant and successful, and of princely form. Mars could not dare to style himself a warrior so great, nor compare his prowess with yours.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Him you mean whom I spared on the Gorgonidonian[2] plains, where Bumbomachides Clytomestoridysarchides, the grandson of Neptune, was the chief commander?
PYRGOPOLINICES
That, on my troth, was really nothing at all.
ARTOTROGUS
Faith, that really was nothing at all in comparison with other things I could mention–(aside) which you never did. If any person ever beheld a more perjured fellow than this, or one more full of vain boasting, faith let him have me for himself, I’ll resign myself for his slave; if ’tis not the fact that[3] my one mess of olive pottage[4] is eaten up by me right ravenously.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Where are you?
ARTOTROGUS
Lo! here am I. I’ troth in what a fashion it was you broke the fore-leg[5] of even an elephant, in India, with your fist.
PYRGOPOLINICES
How?–the fore-leg?
ARTOTROGUS
I meant to say this–the thigh.
PYRGOPOLINICES
I struck the blow without an effort.
ARTOTROGUS
Troth, if, indeed, you had put forth your strength, your arm would have passed right through the hide, the entrails, and the frontispiece of the elephant.
PYRGOPOLINICES
I don’t care for these things just now.
ARTOTROGUS
I’ faith, ’tis really not worth the while for you to tell me of it, who know right well your prowess. (Aside) ‘Tis my appetite creates[6] all these plagues. I must hear him right out with my ears, that my teeth mayn’t have time[7] to grow, and whatever lie he shall tell, to it I must agree.
PYRGOPOLINICES
What was it I was saying?
ARTOTROGUS
O, I know what you were going to say just now. I’ faith ’twas bravely done; I remember its being done.
PYRGOPOLINICES
What was that?
ARTOTROGUS
Whatever it was you were going to say.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Have you got your tablets[8]?
ARTOTROGUS
Are you intending to enlist[9]? I have them, and a pen as well.
PYRGOPOLINICES
How cleverly you do suit your mind to my own mind.
ARTOTROGUS
‘Tis fit that I should know your inclinations studiously, so that whatever you wish should first occur[10] to me.
PYRGOPOLINICES
What do you remember?
ARTOTROGUS
I do remember this. In Cilicia there were a hundred and fifty men, a hundred in Cryphiolathronia[11], thirty at Sardis, sixty men of Macedon, whom you slaughte