Safety in Communication
Let’s look at some other things we can keep in mind to support safety in communication:
Be Honest and Kind
Approaching communication in an honest way means that we are open, and we don’t stuff or hide things. We are intentional about being thoughtful and kind. When we stuff or hide our feelings, they will often come out at some other time as anger or a passive aggressive comment. Honesty involves openness, but does not mean being “brutally honest.” Your feelings are your own. They are not facts.
Be Direct
Beating around the bush, or leaving out crucial information can cause confusion, and it is not safe. Consider if you get an email from a supervisor that says, “I have something important I need to talk to you about that came up after your last shift. Please come see me when you are in on Friday.” Andddddd….you got this email on Tuesday. Most people will read a message like that and worry about it until Friday, imagining worst case scenarios, building it up to be worse than it might be. That doesn’t feel safe. It’s important that we consider safety when we communicate things that could cause a stress response for others.
What could that supervisor have done differently?
Along the same lines, passive aggressive communication feels unsafe to the receiver. This can show up in back-handed compliments, avoidance, or saying something like “Whatever you want. I don’t care” when you really do care. An honest and direct approach is much kinder and creates safety.
Be Aware of Tone and Avoid Curt Language
Most humans are sensitive to tone. When someone is curt with us it can trigger a stress response. It’s normal to get irritated; we must, however, do what we can to take care of ourselves so that our irritation doesn’t spread to those around us. What do you notice happens within your body when someone is curt with you? How do you react?
Don’t Be Patronizing
A patronizing tone can make someone feel unseen, or small. It can be just as problematic as a harsh tone. However, if someone you barely know calls you dear or honey, that can feel patronizing. What are some other ways tone can be patronizing?
Check Your Assumptions
We will dig into this a bit more in the next section on conflict, but a conversation filled with assumptions feels unsafe. Curiosity can diffuse those assumptions. Think of some ways you can use curiosity to challenge your assumptions.
Avoid Judgmental Phrases Like “You Always” or “You Never”
While you may be feeling strongly, as soon as you use a phrase like “you always” or “you never”, the other person will feel misunderstood and get defensive. When someone is defensive, they are not able to listen in the same way they can when they are in a calm and open state. How can you state your feelings using “I” language? How can you create space for your worldview and remember that you may be making assumptions. Remember that we filter everything through our worldview.
Remember That You Are Not a Therapist. Establish Bounda