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Chapter 24 Learning Objectives
Upon reading this chapter, the student should be able to:
- Explain what makes a relationship or an experience ‘meaningful’ as opposed to simply being a good or a love relationship.
Watch this video or scan the QR code to see how you can create more meaningful relationships in the age of technology.
In the 1960’s and ’70’s in particular, many people were looking for what they called “meaningful” relationships. I even began writing this book as a short paper trying to analyze “meaningful personal relationships” as the subject, but I think that is a different and perhaps narrower notion than what needs to be covered in talking about love or personal relationships in general. I have come to suspect that people call a relationship a meaningful one when they believe, at the time it occurs, that it is making a somewhat profound and felt difference in their lives by satisfying a felt need or by making some change for the better in a way that is important to them.
The relationship, in order to be meaningful then, does not have to actually make the change; it only has to be believed that it does. And it would not be considered a meaningful relationship, no matter how much change it brought for the better or for more satisfaction, if it were not perceived as doing so. There is in the notion of meaningfulness, both in regard to relationships and to events (that is, we speak of meaningful events as well as of meaningful relationships) the implication of psychological awareness or belief that something valuable is going on.
It seems a relationship or an event is called meaningful only when it is believed to be for the good. Even the terrible experiences of combat or of being ill or starving or of being shot or of being fired may be called meaningful, but only when it is felt that some greater good (involving, say, greater self-awareness, greater awareness of the good of health, greater appreciation for others less fortunate, greater understanding of personal responsibility or potential, etc.) accrues from the experience. I do not believe I have ever heard anyone describe as meaningful what they perceived as an altogether bad and totally unredeeming experience. And indeed, when someone else describes an experience or relationship as meaningful, the question seems to come to mind immediately as to what (good) they got, or get, out of it. If they could think of no good at all, I think we would be puzzled why they considered it meaningful then.
With regard to the point that the goodness or satisfying features must actually be felt as such at the time, that is because there are many good relationships people have, but at the time, they are not aware how good or just how satisfying they are and thus do not ever refer to them as meaningful. A child may take for granted or even be unaware of the many benefits a parent or teacher, say, provides. As a grown person, he may look back at the benefits and realize that the relationship was