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Chapter 35 Learning Objectives
Upon reading this chapter, the student should be able to:
- Describe how difficult, maybe even impossible, it is to know why some people are more attractive and attracting to you than others are, or, than they are to other people. “Chemistry” or attraction between two people seems to be somewhat accidental or random.
Watch this video or scan the QR code to see how you can practice emotional hygiene.
Non amo te, Sabidi, nec possum dicere quare; Hoc tantum possum dicere: non amo te.
translation:
I do not love thee, Sabidius, nor can I say why; I can only say this: I do not love thee. — Martial (cited in Roberts,
1940, p. 473)
paraphrased 1700 years later by Tom Brown: I do not love thee, Dr. Fell.
But why I cannot tell; But this I know full well, I do not love thee, Dr. Fell. (cited in Roberts, 1940, p. 473)
I know not why I love this youth; and I have heard you say, Love’s reason’s without reason. — Shakespeare,
Cymbeline (4. 2. 20-22)
If a man should importune me to give a reason why I loved him, I find it could no otherwise be expressed than by making answer, Because it was he; because it was I. There is beyond all that I am able to say, I know not what inexplicable and fated power that brought on this union. — Montaigne (cited in Roberts, 1940, p. 474)
I believe that if there are any particular or generalizable causes for feelings of attraction or feelings of aversion, they are as yet unknown. Certainly we may like someone who helps us out when we need help and we may like someone who is nice to us when that is particularly noticeable. And certainly we may intensely dislike someone who treats us ill in a particularly noticeable way. But as I have said repeatedly, this is not always the case. There are those we are attracted to no matter how poorly they treat us, and there are those for whom we have no particular attraction no matter how (noticeably) well they treat us. How many people have been attracted to another and tried everything they could in a nice way to make the other person attracted to them, only to have their efforts fail! How many times may two people behave very similarly (and even look similar) and yet we may be attracted to one but not the other! And how many times is there instant like or dislike for someone without knowing anything about them! Someone who treats us poorly may even entice our attraction for them at first sight or first nasty treatment. And someone who is nice to us at first may simply seem to have no spirit or personality. Again, one person may be attracted to you, another not, even though you treat both the same or behave the same way toward both of them. One person may be attracted to someone who is forbidden to them (by parents, custom, society, whatever); another may be so influenced by the taboo or prejudice that he or she cannot find attractive those who are forbidden; a third may be attracted to one such forbidden person, but not to any others.
I think the same thing mi