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Chapter 12 Learning Objectives
Upon reading this chapter, the student should be able to:
- Conclude that sexual desire is neither necessary nor sufficient to be the sort of attraction for love.
- Identify the nuances about sex.
- Discriminate between many emotional aspects of sex that are similar to other interests and activities.
Watch this video or scan the QR code to gain an understanding of the emotional, mental and social consequences of sex.
Having said that sexual attraction is neither necessary nor sufficient for a relationship to be one of love and having claimed that no kind of satisfaction as such is, in general — without reference to particular people at particular times — necessarily more important than any other, it is necessary to discuss sex in particular since many, perhaps most, Americans (mistakenly, I believe) think sex somehow stands apart from the other things in life. They endow it with a psychological significance far beyond the morally important considerations of pregnancy or venereal disease. Sex education in the schools is a live issue; math is not. Movies are marked or rated according to their sexual content (and more recently to some extent, to the content of their violence) but not according to their stupidity or the economic, political, historical, or other kinds of content. Anatomy and sex are either censored or exploited in ways and to the extent that few other aspects of life are. The wedding night or first marital intercourse is said to consummate the marriage, whereas writing a book together, brushing your teeth together, going through a crisis together, teaming up for a grand slam in bridge together, etc. do not have such exalted status. And although marital intercourse is supposed to consummate a relationship, extramarital intercourse can be the curse that destroys one. One might perfectly well allow one’s love to talk to, play golf, bridge, or tennis with, or even dance, attend a party or a movie with another without any jealousy; but not so with the idea of their having sexual interaction with, or even sexual interest in, someone else.
Not everyone shares such views about sex, of course, but even those with the most so-called liberal views, when answering a survey, for example, see nothing strange about questions asking whether marriage, love, or affection was a necessary condition for kissing or petting or whatever. I suspect a similar survey asking them whether marriage, love, or affection was necessary for choosing a tennis partner, chess opponent, barber, money-lender, or person to sell your house to, would seem strange or ludicrous indeed.
There are many books and articles available about sexual technique. Some are better than others in the advice they offer. There is nothing wrong with knowing about technique, for even the greatest attractions and the otherwise greatest love relationships can run into some difficulty where there is virtual ignorance about giving or getting physical pleasure or sa