Miles Gloriosus, or The Braggart Captain
Act Three, Scene Two
PALAESTRIO
What mighty turmoils I create! What mighty engines I do set to work! This very day I shall take his mistress away from the Captain, if my soldiers are only well drilled[1]. But I’ll call him out. Goes to the door and calls. Hallo! Sceledrus, if you are not busy, come out to the front of the house; I, Palaestrio, call you. Enter LUCRIO from the CAPTAIN’s house.
LUCRIO
Sceledrus is not at leisure.
PALAESTRIO
Why so?
LUCRIO
He’s fast asleep, gulping[2].
PALAESTRIO
How, gulping?
LUCRIO
He’s snoring, ’twas that I meant to say: but, because ’tis very like gulping when you are snoring—- * * * * * * *
PALAESTRIO
What! Is Sceledrus asleep in-doors?
LUCRIO
Not with his nose, in fact; for with that he is calling out loud enough.
PALAESTRIO
He has taken a cup by stealth; the butler has lately tapped a cask of nardine[3]. Oho! you rascal, you are his deputy-butler[4]. Oho!
LUCRIO
What do you mean?
PALAESTRIO
How has he thought fit to go to sleep?
LUCRIO
With his eyes, I suppose.
PALAESTRIO
I don’t ask you that, you vagabond. Step this way: you’re undone now unless I know the truth. Did you draw the wine for him?
LUCRIO
I did not draw it.
PALAESTRIO
Do you deny it?
LUCRIO
I’ faith, I do deny it undoubtedly; for he charged me not to tell. I really didn’t just[5] draw for him eight half-pints into a pitcher, and, when drawn, he didn’t just drink it hot[6], at his breakfast.
PALAESTRIO
And you didn’t just drink as well?
LUCRIO
The Gods confound me if I did drink–if I could drink.
PALAESTRIO
Why so?
LUCRIO
Because, in fact, I only sipped; for it was too hot; it burnt my throat.
PALAESTRIO
Some are gloriously drunk, while others are drinking vinegar-water[7]. The cellar’s trusted to an honest butler, as well as under-butler.
LUCRIO
I’ faith, you’d be doing the same, if it was entrusted to you. Since you can’t follow our example, you are envious now.
PALAESTRIO
Come, now, did he ever draw any wine before this? Answer me, you rascal. And, that you may understand it, I give you this notice: if you purposely tell me an untruth, you shall be put to the torture.
LUCRIO
Indeed so? That you may inform, forsooth, that I told you; and then I shall be turned out of my fattening post in the cellar, that you may find another under-butler to draw for your own self.
PALAESTRIO
On my honour, I will not; come, speak out boldly to me.
LUCRIO
By my troth, I never saw him draw any. But thus was it; he requested me, and then I drew it.
PALAESTRIO
Think of that now! very frequently, I guess, the casks were standing on their heads[8] there.
LUCRIO
No, faith, the casks would not[9] have stood so very badly there. But there happened to be in the cellar a bit of a slippery spot; a two-pint pot was placed there, near the casks, in this fashion shows the way. Frequently, that was filled ten times in a day. When the pot acted the reveller, the casks were all tottering.
Both of you, I find, are acting the revellers in the