Miles Gloriosus, or The Braggart Captain
Act Two, Scene Three
Enter SCLEDRUS from the CAPTAIN’s house.
SCELEDRUS
Unless, in fact, I have been walking this day in my sleep upon the tiles, i’ faith, I know for sure that I have seen here, at our neighbour’s next door, Philocomasium, the lady of my master, on the high road[1] to mischief to herself.
PALAESTRIO
aside. Twas he that saw her billing, so far as I have heard him say.
SCELEDRUS
Who’s that?
PALAESTRIO
Your fellow-servant. How are you, Sceledrus?
SCELEDRUS
I am glad that I have met you, Palaestrio.
PAT.
What now? Or what’s the matter? Let me know.
SCELEDRUS
I’m afraid.
PALAESTRIO
What are you afraid of?
SCELEDRUS
By my troth, lest, this day, as many domestics as there are of us here, we shall jump into a most woeful punishment by way of torture.
PALAESTRIO
Jump you alone, please; for I don’t at all like this jumping in[2] and jumping out.
SCELEDRUS
Perhaps you don’t know what new mischance has happened at home?
PALAESTRIO
What mischance is this?
SCELEDRUS
A disgraceful one.
PALAESTRIO
Do you then keep it to yourself alone: don’t tell it me; I don’t want to know it.
SCELEDRUS
But I won’t let you not know it. To-day I was following our monkey upon the tiles, next door there. Points to the house.
SCELEDRUS
The Gods confound you!
PALAESTRIO
That befits yourself since you began the conversation.
SCELEDRUS
By chance, as it happened, I looked down there through the skylight, into the next house; and there I saw Philocomasium toying with some strange young man, I know not whom.
PALAESTRIO
What scandalous thing is this I hear of you, Sceledrus?
SCELEDRUS
I’ faith, I did see her, beyond a doubt.
PALAESTRIO
What, yourself?
SCELEDRUS
Yes, I myself, with these eyes of mine.
PALAESTRIO
Get away, it isn’t likely what you say, nor did you see her.
SCELEDRUS
Do I, then, appear to you as if I were purblind?
PALAESTRIO
‘Twere better for you to ask the doctor about that. But, indeed, if the Gods only love you, don’t you rashly father this[3] idle story. Now are you breeding thence a fatal dilemma for your legs and head; for, in two ways, the cause is contrived for you to be ruined, unless you put a check upon your foolish chattering.
SCELEDRUS
But how, two ways?
PALAESTRIO
I’ll tell you. First then, if you falsely accuse Philocomasium, by that you are undone; in the next place, if it is true, having been appointed her keeper, there you are undone.
SCELEDRUS
What may happen to me, I know not; I know for certain that I did see this.
PALAESTRIO
Do you persist in it, unfortunate wretch?
SCELEDRUS
What would you have me say to you, but that I did see her? Moreover, she is in there, next door, at this very moment.
PALAESTRIO
What! Isn’t she at home?
Go in-doors yourself; for I don’t ask now for any confidence to be put in me.
PALAESTRIO
I’m determined to do so.
SCELEDRUS
I’ll wait here for you. PALAESTRIO goes into the CAPTAIN’S house. SCLEDRUS, alone.
SCELEDRUS
In this direction will I be on the watch for her, how