December 1, 1983
I would like to respond tonight to the allegation that we of the United States of America are imperialists. Just because we convert underdeveloped economies into a single crop export basis, and just because we have the good business sense to acquire wholly-owned oligarchies which in turn own and operate the aforesaid underdeveloped economies—that’s not imperialism. That, my friends, is simply the highest stage of capitalism. It’s good old American competition, and may the rich man win.
No, on the contrary, we are anti-imperialists. We have attempted to dismantle the British Empire in Grenada, the Argentine Empire in the Falselands, the Cuban Empire in Angola, and the Nicaraguan Empire, which continues its vicious attacks on democratic Honduran peace-keeping forces, who crossed into Nicaragua in self-defense, for the limited objective of retrieving a frisbee.
We do not seek the overthrow of the Sandinoid government, only the return of their regime to its original revolutionist project, best embodied by the previous management there.
Yes, imperialism is even today a grave threat to our world piece. Even now, the moderately evil Canadian empire has stretched its tentacles towards the sovereign people of Detroit, attempting in their cynicism to deny the civic leaders of that great city the God-given right to reign in all their acidic splendor. The Lord is an assiduous God. And if he didn’t want their reign to be acidic he wouldn’t have invented the eight-cylinder engine.
Who defeated the Asiatically evil Japanese Empire, when it dared to strike east at the West? America did. Who convinced them to follow the path of peaceful competition? America did. Who convinced them to beat us at our own game? Well, we have uncovered a treasure-trove of documents which clearly prove that the Japanese have used Libyan-style efficiency studies, which were smuggled out of North Vietnam by Syrian agents disguised as Israelis, to unfairly corner the world market in the microchip industry. Let the chips fall where they may: the Japanese will never take Chrysler alive.
Who dismantled the centrally-evil axis of German Hitlerism? Well it is deniable, but true, that the heroic Russian people gave us some degree of assistance in that skirmish. However, after the cynical sacrifice of some 20 million Russian lives (roughly equivalent to 7 million American lives or about $260 million), the great Russian Bear then took it upon its own self-styled shoulders to establish the Soviet Empire as Hitler’s heir, the ruler of the world—a role which by any legal or moral standard clearly belongs to the United States.
It should be evident by now that Soviet Imperialism is the center of evil in the world. (Some of you may remember that they used to share the title with the Chinese Imperialists, but those Imperialists have been rehabilitated, so you can just forget everything you know about them—everything bad.) The old saying, “The only good Red is a dead Red” is as true as